Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
