Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
