i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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