So drunk its hurt
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
