i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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