they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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