hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
