I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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