Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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