I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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