I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Everclear isn't food dammit
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
