He disabled his match.com account in front of me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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