fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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