Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
