This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
