Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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