WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
