Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
