He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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