The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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