I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
