If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
