Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
