People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
