I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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