right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
