I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
