Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
