he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
