If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
