I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
