I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
