yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
