now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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