His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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