youre lurking in front of me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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