I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
