The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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