Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
