Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
