The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
pray to the hookup gods
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
