You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
