you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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