Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
