He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
