I got chris browned last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
