Porn is love you can see.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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