From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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