I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
