Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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