This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
