she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
