My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
