and next time when you feel me up, do it right
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
