Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
time to smoke my breakfast
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
