Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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