My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Pooping to opera.
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