My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
