everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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