i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
