boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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