It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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